Judgement is a part of everyone’s life. Big or small it exists in ways we may not even be fully aware to. Judgement serves a purpose for us, but it can lead to a life filled with sadness, jealousy and disconnection from the world around us.
When we judge others it is in fact a reflection of ourselves, and not of the person being judged.
When we feel judged by others, it leaves us defeated and wanting to hide.
When we self-judge we use the projections from people around us to hurt and belittle ourselves.
We’ve been conditioned to have certain judgements that our friends, partners or parents gave us.
Judgement isn’t entirely bad or entirely good, there’s a space in between where the healthy relationship to it exists.
Building a better relationship with judgement is one key part of creating a more loving relationship to the self.
The thing about judgement – it will make you stay small.
Judgement is a child of fear and it exists so that we may hold standards, beliefs, examples.
On the positive side, judgement is there for us to lean on when we are unsure. Judgement is to be used when we need to discern between a hard choice in our life. It’s there to protect us against poor decisions, and to make judgements that align with our core values. Which is why it’s crucial to know what your core values are.
But the thing about judgement is that it spirals out of control. Before you know it, your judgement isn’t a tool you use, but is using you.
It consumes your thoughts of yourself, the thoughts you have of others and the fears you contrive around what others will think of you.
So how do you make peace with judgement?
You must steadfastly trust your decisions, whether they are easy to make or hard to swallow.
You must come to the understanding that the integrity of your relationship to yourself is greater than other’s perceptions of you.
You must put effort into resolving the judgements you have against yourself.
Is it possible to heal in this way? YES!
Does it take effort? Better believe it!
This type of healing is creating a different world for yourself. One that you live in and invite others into, which in turn heals the world of the unhealthy relationships to judgement.
We are creatures of experiential learning, and we learn from being around others. Which is why if your mom constantly berated herself or judged her body, you may have also adopted these same self-judgements.
If we can learn via the example of others how to obtain judgements, there is hope that we can also learn from each other how to have a better relationship with it.
This is what I aim to teach from my own personal experience, as well as informed work with my clients.
My relationship with judgement is still a work in progress.
I’ve worked on my own relationship to judgement for years. As I’ve deepened into it there are always more layers to pull back on, to uncover and reveal. Each new layer being stripped away leaves me feeling liberated from needing to BE anything other than completely who I am.
When we can separate ourselves from our judgement, we see our judgement as other extensions from our whole self. This begins the process of understanding and seeing where the judgement stems from.
I used to be so quick to judge others when it came to simple things, until I started working on understanding this part of myself. I learned with time this part of my judgement stemmed from an insecurity within me that needed attention and love. In fact the judgement was the message that I needed to pay attention in this way.
I used to judge myself for being sick. I know a lot of my clients go through these specific waves of judgements as well. Having an (often debilitating) chronic illness I judged myself for a long time.
I believed that I was somehow less than others, incapable of accomplishing things I dreamed of, or unworthy of intimate attention.
These self-judgements hugely impacted the way that I spoke to myself.
As I started to shift this relationship with judgement, I dramatically shifted the way that I spoke to myself.
Judgement, in this way has an intertwined relationship with negative self-talk. And you may have found yourself catching when you’re being judgmental, only to then judge yourself for having judgements.
At this stage it creates a vicious cycle. But it can be restored.
Right now I am working on a course for my Soul Power Women, 21 Days to Better Self-Talk, and this course is teaching me so much more about my journey with judgement, where it’s healed, where there are layers to continue to give attention to and it’s powerful correlation with negative self-talk.
This is why I believe judgement is one of the huge ways we can restore our relationship with the self. It gives us the opportunity to write a different story for so many parts of your life and how you choose to show up in the world.
It’s not about getting rid of negative self-talk or judgement, it’s about creating a better relationship to it.
Having a healthy relationship with judgement is power. It’s breaking the confines of fearing it or trying to get rid of it altogether. It’s coming back home and understanding yourself in a greater and more loving way.
Share with me in the comments, are you working on your relationship to yourself? Does this resonate with you?