When I first started down my journey to live well, in all areas of my life, I would tell people all the time “it comes from this burning desire to heal.” Trying to explain this deep seeded feeling of inner drive. We all have it, it’s inside you already even if you don’t know it yet. That burning desire is for something that your heart aches for, that your truest self desperately seeks. And at any given time this can also shift and change. Your burning desire in one period of your life can evolve or transition to something else in another. And even at times, that blazing flame may grow dim, it may struggle to find the air it needs to keep its shape and to grow.
Last night I was sitting on my couch, laying with my blanket-cat Acme, full of so much joy and gratitude from the yoga workshop I co-hosted earlier in the day, then it dawned on me. I became overwhelmed with this new and exciting feeling and all the same felt as if I were returning home, there was comfort. Suddenly I was filled with this reminder. This epic sensation of how much I love to share and foster connection. How much helping other people is a part of me. This burning desire that all at once ignites my life and sets ablaze my determination. I had this, when I first started my intensive healing journey. It’s only last night, That I gained the awareness that somewhere along the way it dimmed.
I realize, in order to have more understanding we often seek context. We like having questions answered and making sense, or attempting to of what feels vague. I’ll clarify that me saying my burning desire waned at some point is not a dig at myself, or me disregarding all of the incredible passions and desire I’ve still had. But it’s not the same. And that’s important to know.
Our lives are made up of continual phases, stages, usually broken up by pivotal, monumental moments that allow us to remember various chapters. You go off to college, you have your first kiss, your first love, you land your first job, etc. And then there are the in betweens. Sometimes there are phases of life where our moments don’t feel as monumental, as significant. Perhaps we feel lackluster, our motivation or drive and passion isn’t at its peak. But we often forget we can’t be “on” all the time, it would be exhausting and it doesn’t make room for some of the harder times when we need growth.
As I’ve navigated this journey of physical healing, many of you know that it quickly became apparent that I also needed emotional and spiritual healing right alongside it. To which I dove right in.
I tend to lead my life in that nature. Dive in, learn how to swim. Is it easy? Never. Did I expect it would be? No. For the most part I’ve learned to be a great swimmer, at least to always keep my head above water. I also could not (*can not*) anticipate most things. Over the last year and a half, moving across the country without knowing a soul has taught me infinite things about myself. It’s taught me about the world, about the people I want in my world, and how I want to be a grand part of it. At the same time it erupted in me a lot of emotional turmoil.
It’s important that I’m clear on one thing. Because I say that this year has brought a lot of emotional hardship, its not me saying that it hasn’t also brought a world of joy, pleasure, gratitude and fun. It has been infinite in those areas as well, it has been all of the extremes. The way I live my life, by trying to be openly vulnerable and allowing myself to feel fully I create the perfect atmosphere for the extremes to exist. A lot happens in my life, because I choose to live it so intently.
I’ve worked through the heartbreak and loss of someone I loved desperately that needed to finally be let go and in turn set myself free. I’ve dealt with a myriad of challenges from lack of control around food as I reintroduced them and heading down a path of emotional eating (of which my inner child is all too comfortable and familiar with). While I navigated how to be so far from my family, from my aging grandparents who mean the world to me. I’ve wrestled with choosing to live a life that makes me happy while also being thousands of miles from them.
In all of this, my passion remained steady, but my burning desire (read:which fuels passion) was diminishing. Imagine turning on the propane, but never lighting the fire.
It wasn’t until I had this feeling return to me last night that I realized how much I missed it. It was like getting a hug from an old friend you’ve not seen in a decade, everything’s exciting and at the same time familiar. It was startling and left me jittery. I’m buzzing with ideas, with curiosity and a deepened wonderment for all that will continue to unfold on this exploration of life but ever more filled with this burning desire to create much of what I want from it. To let what is inside of me out into the world, to know that what I have to offer is desperately needed, and I have this reignited spark to propel me into serving in a greater way. Not only to whoever may need it, but to myself. It feels good to be set fully ablaze again.