Do you get the feeling when you’re overcome with excitement and you can’t sit still, can’t focus, can’t sleep? In these moments I have to remind myself to breathe. Literally, ten seconds will have passed and I’ll be saying, “Breathe! Like really before you pass out,” in my head.
Since the start of the New Year these feelings have consumed me. It’s as if everything I’m working towards is on the verge of coming alive. And I can say “I made this happen!!”
It’s not easy though, dealing with all these feelings that surface around change and transition. With anticipation of new, fun, prosperous creations also comes one of my biggest fears of all; failure. Putting myself out there means letting everyone witness the potential crash and burn that hangs above me mockingly, and like Eeyore’s gloomy cloud it is incessant.
But what’s worse, the fear of failure which could potentially inhibit the level of accomplishment, or the fear of glory which could keep you from reaching your full potential. It’s as if they sit on a teeter-totter and I watch as they bob up and down vying for place of the higher fear.
Both of these are due to feeling vulnerable and not trusting the inner self. I don’t mean to sound as if I am an all-knowing purveyor of how to get in tune and follow your intuition (I’m not), but I what I can tell you is for the past few months I’ve practicing doing just that.
Last weekend it was as if every major decision I had waited for clarity moved to the forefront of my mind and answered with clear direction. They stood right in front of me and challenged my fears. It gave me the opportunity dig into what l want to pursue in my life, especially in this next year.
As I cleaned and organized I flushed the unnecessary junk. Pandora played on my phone and as I was singing I then started banging my head, up and down like I was a part of a rock band and my hands were mimicking playing the drum sticks. I was in the moment where it didn’t matter whether anyone saw me or caught me on camera, moving my body was releasing pent up energy. Anyone else have these moments? Well, then the song changed.
When it changed the words vibrated and shocked me out of my dancing-head-banging mode. The words pierced my ears when I heard them. I swear they were louder than the rest of the song.
In Cold Play’s song, Try to Fix You (not a huge fan of the title) they sing “but if you never try you’ll never know just what you’re worth”. I needed to hear that part. I’ve heard it over and over, I’ve even sung the words before. But I never truly heard them.
“But if you never try you’ll never know, just what you’re worth,” chorus after chorus it played and then I was belting it “BUT IF YOU NEVER TRY YOU’LL NEVER KNOW…JUST WHAT YOU’RE WORTH.”
About fifteen minutes later I got a phone call and made a major life decision that I had sat on for months. I had neatly tucked it away, imagining and creating and coming up all kinds of little ideas for how awesome it would be only sharing it with myself out of fear of failure and fear of my glory.
If I fail I look like an ass
If I have glory everyone sees ME
I want to share this with you all because we all have these fears; I know I am not alone here. “But if you never try you’ll never know, just what you’re worth!”
It’s often hard to give yourself the encouragement that we are so great at giving to others. I am the first person to support other people in their life changing decisions, but when it comes to myself I suddenly get this judgmental warped thinking where I believe I am not doing enough, or what I am doing doesn’t live up to the standards others have set for me. When really, these are just ideas I’ve made up in my head about expectations of me. When really all I need is to follow my heart and trust that I truly do know what is best for me. Well enough of sitting in the corner with my fears. What are you NOT doing out of FEAR of FAILURE or fear of GLORY!?
You’ll never know your worth if you keep coddling your fears under the illusion that they keep you safe.
One of my main goals has been to pursue healing methods that I feel strongly will impact my for the better. I am moving for a period of time to seek out an intensive continual acupuncture treatment that I am confident will deepen my healing. This was a difficult decision because it led for insecurities about my work life, and social environment to creep up and weasel themselves into my head. What I had to ask myself was, “We move for jobs all the time right? Why not this?” And when I then asked myself if I’d regret not taking this opportunity the answer was a resounding yes.
Because I believe so strongly in the power of knowledge and healing I have decided to continue my education by seeking out a certification in nutritional and holistic health. I want to be able to help people – that’s my end game – but I need more information to equip myself outside of my own private research capacity. The scary part being an investment in my future, myself, along with the vulnerability associated with sharing my story. The whole being truly seen can be scary but simultaneously liberating.
I urge you to stop and think about your fears and then kiss those ugly gremlins goodbye. It’s time to step into knowing what you’re worth. That’s my plan.
Thanks for sharing this I needed to hear it. I’m also one to always help others but rarely ever ask or seek it for myself. I appreciate your honesty and I wish you the best of luck on this new journey to health. I’m going to listen, really listen to that song and try and remember those words as I too face my fears moving forward. Best of luck I’ll be thinking about you!!! I also like the saying “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein
Wow, thank you so much Jenney. Your comment has warmed my heart, sometimes I don’t know who is or isn’t reading my posts so it’s completely touching to hear that it has resonated with you. Thank you for your kind words and support – I love that quote you shared!! Best of luck in your journey!
Ahhhhhh, I was just thinking about the many ways I self sabotage because I can see I am starting to do it once again. I get to a certain point, and then I question, doubt, falter and stall. All because of fear. Am I good enough? What and who will I be if I fail?
Thank you for your post, it was much needed! And congrats on your new adventures!
Thank you SO much Wendy!! You know how much your feedback means to me and I am so glad that some of my words connected with you. Self-sabatoge is the worst!! Thank you for your continued support <3